Thanks to Steve’s ultimate Late Show page for the transcript!

Mick (as voiceover): Hi ladies, let me introduce myself, I’m Mick.

You know, in an ever changing world it’s hard to find a relationship that’s lasting, enduring and romantic but still has room for some good old-fashion rumpty-pumpty.

That’s where I step in.

Call me Mick, on Mick’s Love Line.

I’m sensitive, charming, debonair and go off like a fire cracker in the sack.

My hobbies include long walks by the beach at sunset.

Candlelit dinners with that special lady and driving monster trucks.

No one speaks the international language of love like me.

Lingering French kisses, steamy Latin embraces and even steamier Dutch ovens, I do them all.

So for an evening of romance, intimacy and pig shooting call Mick’s Love Line .

I’m waiting to take your call.