Lyrics transcribed by Steve. (To the music of ‘Stand’ by REM)

Stand on your head in the sink
Now face north
Say the Lord’s Prayer while you force a strawberry Slurpie up your nose
Set your trousers on fire
Now face west
Move to Pakistan and teach a hundred yaks to speak French
I’m confused I must confess
What this song means is anyone’s guess

Your feet are walking all over the place
I must have written that when I was off my face

Eat ten souvlakis for lunch, then throw up
On the bonnet of your boss’ new Daihatsu Charade

Photocopy your bum and bake it in a cake
Send it to the Pope and ask him if he’ll tongue-kiss your mum

This could be the dumbest song yet and I’ve heard a few
Remember that one by James Reyne called Hammerhead
What the hell was that all about

Stick you head into a fan
Now face north
Buy 12 safari suits wonder why you haven’t before
Make a hat out of cheese
Now face west
Punch a Laplander and Sellotape a rat to your knees