The Backing Tape Blues
Well I’m feeling down and dejected, I’m on heavy medication
I’m singing in this accent with no real justification
But it ain’t my baby leaving me that’s left me in the pits
It’s trivial insignificant things that are givin’ me the shits
I’ve got those stuck at the traffic lights behind the guy that’s lookin’ for a tape and doesn’t realise that the lights have gone green blues…
I got those in the supermarket with a magazine you can’t convince the checkout girl you bought somewhere else because you threw the receipt away blues
I’ve got those suddenly remembering the video won’t tape the footy cos the tape you’re usin’s got that little plastic tab removed blues.
I got those in the shower hoping the hot water won’t run out before you find out if there’s something in the upside down shampoo bottle blues
I got those standing at a party with an old friend whose name you cannot remember and having to introduce him to somebody else blues.
I got those in the washroom at McDonald’s and turning ton the tap too hard and spraying water on your pants so it looks as if you’ve pissed yourself blues
I got those putting out the bins on a public holiday and noticing that you’re the only one and thinking that the garbos aren’t working today and taking your bins back so’s that you don’t look like a dick and then the next morning you wake up and the street is full of empty bins blues
And finally..I got those trying to pretend that you are playing the guitar on national TV when it’s obvious you’re miming to a backing tape blues.
Dinner Party Conversations
JANE: One of the best films this year would have to be Mediterranean
ALL: Brilliant! Brilliant!
JASON: We saw, The Last Days of Chez Nous.
ALL: Brilliant! Brilliant!
SANTO: We got the video of Blazing Saddles. (silence)…Brilliant brilliant
TOM (the commentator): There’s always a straggler. He’s a conversational clutz.
JASON: Went to the local council and there was a handicapped person there..and not one single ramp in sight!
SANTO: That’s interesting cos our work hired a spastic. (silence) What’s the use?…He can’t do a thing…brilliant…brilliant
TOM: For every straggler there’s a spoiler. He undercuts the achievements of others
JANE: We’ve just been to the Greek Isles and it’s the most beautiful place on Earth.
ROB: Greece was ruined 20 years ago. Have you been to Turkey?
JASON: The Power of One- a very good film. Brilliant.
ROB: Have you read the book? Twice as good as the film.
TOM: You can imagine him sitting next to a woman who’s just given birth
JANE: Giving birth would have to be one of the most profoundly moving experiences of my life.
ROB: You’ve obviously never stood on the summit of Mt Everest.
SANTO: Actually that would have snow on it…cos it’s such a tall mountain…I mean in the wintertime.
TOM: Another conversational killer is the recently returned traveller who picks up an accent in 6 days…
Possibly the worst person is someone who can’t help but bring the mood down.
(All are laughing.)
WOMAN: A four year old woman was nearly murdered here 2 days ago
TOM: That’ll take a bit of conversational rebuilding!
JANE: So…has anyone else here…been…murdered?
JASON: Great meal, Jenny!
WOMAN: It’s such a pity to think that 4 million Somalian children are dying of starvation.
SANTO: That’d be cos they’re not eating.
WOMAN no.2: I’ve been to Somalia!
ROB: It’s not a patch on Ethiopia.
TOM: Here’s someone who never says a word because he’s been dragged along by his partner!
JASON: So, Mick, what do you do?
JASON: And where’s that?
JANE: And where did you meet Karen?
MICK: Oh, she was chosen out of the studio audience…and I specifically remember asking for someone under fourteen.
KAREN: And a virgin!
MICK: That too! No go on either count? I’m talkative now, aren’t I?
TOM: No matter what you can always turn to TV.
JASON: The new series of Rumpole is coming!
SANTO: What about, The Late Show? (silence) Brilliant… brilliant…
Mick’s Love Line
Thanks to Steve’s ultimate Late Show page for the transcript!
Mick (as voiceover): Hi ladies, let me introduce myself, I’m Mick.
You know, in an ever changing world it’s hard to find a relationship that’s lasting, enduring and romantic but still has room for some good old-fashion rumpty-pumpty.
That’s where I step in.
Call me Mick, on Mick’s Love Line.
I’m sensitive, charming, debonair and go off like a fire cracker in the sack.
My hobbies include long walks by the beach at sunset.
Candlelit dinners with that special lady and driving monster trucks.
No one speaks the international language of love like me.
Lingering French kisses, steamy Latin embraces and even steamier Dutch ovens, I do them all.
So for an evening of romance, intimacy and pig shooting call Mick’s Love Line .
I’m waiting to take your call.
Postcard From Glenrowan
Ned Kelly’s Last Stand
TONY: Here we wre in the bustlin’ town of Glenrowan
MICK: Fortunately we missed the crowds. I think they subsided..oooh around about the 1800s!
TONY: I’m chockablock with goodies from the Ned Kelly souvenir shop! “I drink with the Kelly gang” stubbie cooler.
MICK: The year is gonna taste so much better from now on.
TONY: Ned Kelly cigarette lighter- exactly the same as Ned used to use.
MICK: Indeed Tone, I’m moved
TONY: A Ned kelly join-the-dots..and gee…I wonder who that turns out to be? [guess who, folks!] Your own Ned Kelly handpuppet! You can re-enact scenes!
MICK: I can’t wait to do the noose scenes!…[gets out some drink bottles] “Red Ned.” “Kelly Cola.” “Lynch Lime.” Unfortunately, they were all out of “Bugger me, I think the troopers are coming Creamy Soda.”
TONY: Here’s Ye Old Wishing Well. While I’m here, I think I’ll make a wish meself…*wishes*…OH DAMN! I’m still in Glenrowan!
TONY (reading sign): “Be warned, this attraction can and will frighten people of all ages.” [Tony and Mick stare at crappy “attraction” in disbelief]
What man would spend over two million dollars creating this? We met him [middle aged lunatic guy smiles as he walks around ringing large bell frantically].
Warren Perso Skit
Kindly transcribed by Dave Guthrie: ‘Took me friggen 90 minutes! Ok, I got the 6 hours of Late Show DVD footage to do now. Wish me luck.’
Warren (played by Tony Martin): Look, the problem with the Australian film industry is, it’s run by a bunch of egg-head poofter types, up at the film commission… your Phillip Adamses and so forth, who are always telling you what your film’s gotta have. It’s gotta have a certain number of local actors. It’s gotta have cultural content. It’s gotta have a decent script and so on. Well, I got by pretty nicely without any of these things for 20 years and look where it’s got me.
Warren: Australian films today are all about f**kin’ losers, they’re all about Gallipoli, or Burke and Wills, or Breaker Morant… I remember the days when Australian films were about winners. Blokes like Alvin Purple.
Warren: See, anyone can make an arty intellectual ‘The Last Days of Chez Nous’ flick that no bastard wants to see. I could do it. You give me a week with a camera, a couple of topless chicks, an open-top sports car and a shitload of cash and I will give you Out of Africa. But, if you want something that’s actually going to put bums on seats, something of quality like, say, The Clinic, then that’s going to take a little longer. That’s going to take a bit of sensitivity…and that’s where I come in. fart S’cuse I.
Judith (voice over): Warren Perso has been making Australian feature films since the early 70’s…
Warren (on phone): Look…look Hirlick, I’ve seen the rushes and believe me it’s not more dialogue this film needs…it’s norgs and plenty of them. Look, just fix it all right or you can go back to f**kin’ E-Street. Jesus.
Warren: We got this, uh, young bloke filming a picture for me in the Philippines and uh, we are laboring under, uh, creative differences. He sees it as a kind of John-Luc Godard stroke Antoni-oni stroke Kurosawa think piece where as I see it more as a tit-flick. So, there is a bit of friction there.
Judith: If we could talk about your early work, you began by making, I suppose, exploitation pictures.
Warren: Yeah…sure and I make no apologies for that Judith. Those films were, for their day, very successful. Films like Confession of a Bloke With a Really Big Donger! Uh…Suck Me To Death the film where I brought together the characters of Dracula and Emmanuel. You might recall the poster line uhhh ‘She went down for the Count’. I was doing some pretty innovative stuff in those days. People forget I was the first person in this country to make a film in Norgarama. See, you might call them ‘exploitation’ films, I prefer to see them as ‘explorations’ of the Australian psyche.
Judith: Yeah, but at the same time you must admit they were pretty crass and offensive.
Warren: Well…what are you referring to?
Judith: What about 1974’s Filipino Furburger?
Warren:Look, Filipino Furburger, in its original script, was a pretty subtle, sophisticated comedy of manners. Now, I was under a lot of pressure from distributors, drive-in owners, so sure, it did end up being a bit of a tit-feast, but a pretty classy one I think you will agree and what a dream cast: Blundell uhh Ferrier, Penny, Abigail.
Judith: One critic described it as a work of a crude, insensitive, puerile, misogynistic, cretinous, infantile, philistine.
Warren: Yeah but I’m more than just that. Jesus, I don’t know where this insensitive thing comes from. Steve-o, can you get that fat chick to bring me another bottle of homo-water?
Judith(Voice Over): But in 1975, Perso gained a certain respectability, with the movie version of David Williamson’s biggest stage hit.
(Ron’s Barney)Rob(Jack): Hey Ron, mind if I screw your missus HAHAHARon: Bugger off, you’re not a socialist HAHAHA (Mick: OHHHH!)Rob(Jack): Oh…you can talk you Liberal bloody poofter.Tom: Hey, hey Ron’s no poofter. I’ve got photos of him screwing my missus. hahahahMick: Yeah? Is that right? I thought he was screwing your misses Jack. (Mick alone) hahahaRob(Jack): You weak bastard. You wouldn’t say that if Gough Whitlam was Prime Minister.Mick: Oh you don’t think soRob: NO!Mick: You don’t think so!Rob: NO!Ron: Hey steady on fellows, steady on.Santo: Sorry Ron, they only had light beers left.Crowd: Awww Starts throwing things at him…Mick hits him with a chairRon: Bloodly Liberals.
Warren: Yeah I think a lot of people were surprised by the subtlety of that piece. They didn’t expect that from me.
Judith: Now your next film in 1978, The Bermagui Bronze, was a multi-million dollar flop. What went wrong?
Warren: Look, I don’t know. We had a terrific ad campaign.
Voice Over (VO): The Passion…
Rob(Joe): Listen to me Barry, listen to me. Listen to me Barry. I’m an iron-man, your brother’s an iron-man, your mum’s an iron-man. We’re all iron-men. And what have we got in common? We’ve all bagged The Bermagui Bronze! And now it’s your turn! Go out there and come third! Come third like a real Australian athlete!
VO: The Excitement…
Tom(Jock): Joe, we just got the test results from the institute. They reckon Barry might come second…or even worse…win.Rob(Joe): Bugger the institute Jock, bugger them. Barry’s my son. And if I say he can win the bronze, he bloodly well can.
VO: The Romance…
Jane(Bev): Joe, you’ll have to choose. It’s either me or the Bermagui Bronze.
Rob(Joe): Listen Bev. I’m not just doing this for me and Barry…I’m doing this for everyone in this big, brown, flat, mysterious, crazy country who knows what it means to come third for Australia.
VO: The Bermagui Bronze…
Judith: David Stratton writing in The Australian described it as uh…utterly shithouse.
Warren: Oh yeah, well his just being anti.
Judith:Now, it was after this you disappeared for a few years.
Warren:Yeah, that’s when I moved to France.
Judith:Escaping your Creditors?
Warren: No look hang on…firstly, let me just say one thing: the film industry here is f**ked. Apart from the odd visionary like your Warrick Capper, it’s a shot bird. But in France, they understand people like me. They understand that sure, I’m a film maker, a craftsman, sure I’m a business man, but hey, I’m also an artist. I am one, Judith, who worships at the pimple of cinema. And that’s why over there I was able to get the finance to make my, to-date, only genuine art film: French Chicks in the Nuddy.
Judith: Which has never been released in this country.
Warren: Not as yet, no. But uh, I am in the process of stitching up a distribution deal with a mob in Canberra. Uh caballero video I think they’re called. A very classy outfit.
Judith: Now, on your return you embarked on your biggest disaster.
Warren: deep breath yeah look, this is what happen. I wanted to make a big budget movie about a great Australian explorer. Now I concede I may have chosen the wrong one.
VO: Strezelecki! A story of courage and determination as big as Australia itself.
Rob: I’m telling you Strezelecki it’s madness! No-one’s ever conducted an extensive geological study of the Bathurst and lower Gippsland region and lived to tell the tale.
Warren:Yeah I don’t think the public was really ready for Strezelecki. In fact, I don’t think they ever will be.
Judith: How then do you explain your follow up?
Warren: Well, I thought that there was still a great picture in this genre waiting to be made, but, in hindsight, maybe we should have waited a bit longer before coming out with Sturt.
VO: Sturt! Another story of courage and determination as big as Australia itself.
Rob: I’m telling you Sturt it’s insane! No-one’s ever undertaken a comprehensive study of the New South Wales inland river system and survived!
Warren: Sturt was a good film…but it was no Strezelecki.
Judith: What about your third Australian explorers epic?
Warren: Again, possibly a miscalculation.
Rob: I’m telling you Alvi it’s crazy! (Judith Voice Over) No-one’s ever attempted an entire documentary series with that shirt on.
Judith(Voice Over): With the failure of his explorers’ trilogy, Perso has returned to the kind of film that has made him famous. Production has just commenced on his latest ‘Kelvin, son of Melvin, son of Alvin.’
Warren: You are f**king kidding me Allan, you are f**king kidding. You know we need a big American name to get the Yanks on board. Jesus. Mr. T’s pulled out.
Allan: His doing a fellow on the fair stuff for six months.
Warren: Ok ok, here’s what we do. Go back to Leath Garret’s people and give them whatever he wants. Whatever he wants. Jesus.
Judith(Voice Over): And so, the old master is back at work on a movie he hopes will herald a return to the style of film making that made the Australian cinema what it is today.
Warren:Now, this is the opening sequence, where Kelvin Purple is being persuade by a throng of sexy chicks. As you can see, we secure the services of Santo Cilauro in the lead. Makes a change of pace from that intellectual bullshit he does on the ABC. Here’s Abigail coming out of the shop, the double take, and there’s the money shot there. Now, what do you think Judith? Do you think we should go with uh say this sound effect here*horn sound*…or, option B, this sound here. Boing Yeah, well you see these are the creative choices I’m forced to make everyday. No rest for an artist.